When Do I Start A Divorce?

When Do I Call A Divorce Lawyer?

Update: May 19, 2025

This is one of the most difficult and emotionally loaded questions I get asked—and it’s one I never answer lightly.

Believe it or not, I don’t want people to get divorced. Yes, I’m a divorce attorney. Yes, this is my profession, and yes, I still have a few lingering student loans from law school that could use your business. But one of my favorite phone calls—the ones that really stay with me—is when a client calls and says, “We’re working things out. Please stop the process.” That’s a win in my book.

So let’s start there: divorce should always be your choice, not your lawyer’s.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to a lawyer early and at least learn about your options. Just like you might meet with a financial planner before you buy your first home or talk to a doctor before starting a new workout program, sometimes the best time to meet with a divorce attorney is before you’ve made any final decisions.

Let me explain why—and when—it might be the right time to pick up the phone.

The Three Times I Strongly Encourage You to Call a Divorce Lawyer

Over the years, I’ve found that there are a few situations where I highly recommend contacting a divorce attorney as soon as possible. Here they are:

1. You’ve Been Served Divorce Papers

If you’re holding a manila envelope, staring at a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, and wondering what to do next, stop wondering and call. You don’t need to panic, but you do need to act quickly.

Here’s why:

• You typically have 30 days to respond in Minnesota (and in many other states).

• Failing to respond can result in a default judgment, meaning the court may grant your spouse whatever they asked for by default.

• You need to understand your rights—now. Things like temporary support, parenting time, and who stays in the house can move fast.

Even if you’re hoping for reconciliation, the legal clock doesn’t stop ticking. A lawyer can help you navigate your options without escalating the situation.

2. You’re Seriously Considering Divorce

Maybe you haven’t filed anything. Maybe you haven’t even told your spouse you’re thinking about it. That’s OK.

Here’s when a confidential consultation makes sense:

• You’re trying to figure out what your legal rights and obligations would be if you split.

• You want to understand what custody might look like or how your retirement accounts would be divided.

• You’re thinking, “I need to make a plan before I take the next step.”

These are smart, strategic thoughts—and a good lawyer won’t push you to file. Instead, they’ll give you a road map. You’ll leave the meeting with a much better idea of what divorce would actually look like for you, your kids, and your finances.

Think of it as legal reconnaissance.

3.  You’re Experiencing Abuse, Threats, or Financial Control

This one’s harder, I think, because, but for his or her problem, you might still love them!

If your spouse is:

• Threatening you

• Controlling the money

• Refusing to let you see your kids

• Monitoring your phone or internet use

• Physically or emotionally abusive

Then yes, please call a lawyer right away—even if you’re not sure you want a divorce.

Here’s what we can help with:

• Emergency orders for protection (OFPs)

• Temporary custody and parenting time

• Financial access so you’re not stuck without money for food, rent, or gas

A good divorce lawyer isn’t just there to litigate; they’re there to help you regain stability and safety. Sometimes that means building a long-term plan, and sometimes it means acting fast.

Other Situations Where It’s Smart to Call a Divorce Lawyer.

Not every reason is dramatic. Here are a few other situations where a consultation can be helpful:

• You and your spouse are talking about “doing it ourselves,” but you want a second opinion.

• You’re in marriage counseling and want to understand the financial implications of divorce.

• You’re separated and wondering whether a formal divorce would help with custody or support.

• You’re worried your spouse is hiding money, planning to leave, or otherwise getting their “ducks in a row.”

In short: If your gut is telling you to check in with a lawyer, it’s probably time to do just that.

What If You’re Not Ready For a Divorce?

Totally fine. Many of our clients talk to us weeks or even months before they decide what to do. Some never file. Some come back a year later.

Our job is to give you the tools so that when you do make a decision—whatever that decision is—you’re doing it from a place of strength and clarity, not fear or confusion.

Final Thought: Divorce Is a Legal Process, Not a Moral Failure

If you’re thinking about divorce, you’re not alone. And you’re not a bad person. You’re someone facing a tough chapter who’s trying to make the best decision for yourself and your family.

Calling a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re gathering information, asking smart questions, and taking control of your future.

If you’re in that place, that’s what Divorce lawyers do in Minnesota. No pressure. No judgment. Just guidance.

Information obtained in mankatofamilylaw.com may contain knowledgeable content about Minnesota Family Law that may be considered beneficial to some; however, in no way should this website or its contents be considered legal advice. Mr. Kohlmeyer is a Minnesota-licensed Attorney and cannot provide legal services or guidance to those outside of Minnesota. If you wish to retain Mr. Kohlmeyer as your Attorney in your Family Law matter, contact 507-625-5000.