Navigating Holiday Custody: A Lawyer’s Guide to Keeping the Peace
Child custody cases usually stretch out longer than anyone expects, especially over the holidays. Even when everyone’s trying to play nice, these things can balloon into something out of “War and Peace.” And it’s not just the court stuff that drags on. After the judge bangs the gavel, there’s the whole song and dance of actually following the new custody and visitation plans.
Around the holidays, this can get even trickier. Say your ex agreed in July for you to take the kids to your folks’ place for Christmas. Fast forward to December, and suddenly, they’re not so keen on the idea anymore. School’s out, travel plans are looming, and tensions are high. What can you do?
Well the good news is that after doing this for nearly 25 years I’ve got solutions and ways to avoid holiday custody battles!
Keeping the Holiday Spirit Alive
Well the good news is that after doing this for nearly 25 years I’ve got solutions and ways to avoid holiday custody wrinkles!
1. Detail the Holiday Schedule
In most Minnesota custody agreements, you will be crystal clear about what “the holidays” mean. Does “Christmas” mean just the 25th, or the whole week? It’s one thing to say one parent gets Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day. It’s another to nail down the exact start and end times. Clarity is your best friend here.
If you don’t have a clear agreement, you have a few options, the first is to approach your ex and really talk about going forward how you will agree to proceed. Maybe tackle the entire holiday schedule, from Christmas and MEA and Thanksgiving as well.
2. Understand Your Ex’s Stress
This may sound like I’m defending your Ex. I’m not! But, remember, your ex is probably as wound up and stressed about holiday schedules as you are. They might have new husbands or wives as well as new step-children. The holidays are always tough. Usually, though, they’re not out to ruin your plans (well, not always). They might just be mixed up or forgot what was agreed upon. A little empathy goes a long way.
It’s called “modeling behavior,” and oftentimes, if you go in and try your best to be reasonable, they might just act the same way!
3. Think Outside the Box
If you’re both flexible, think about considering unconventional solutions. How about the kids stay in one spot, and you and your ex take turns being with them? Less shuffling around for the kids could mean less stress all around.
This doesn’t always work, but maybe you can change holiday weekends to a time that works more with your schedule. What kid wouldn’t want to have two days of opening presents!?
Deep Dive into Holiday Custody Tips That Work
1. Be Flexible with Traditions
Post-divorce, holiday traditions might need a tweak. Be open to new ways of celebrating that fit your custody situation. Creating new traditions can be a positive experience for everyone, especially the kids.
Maybe you always went to your mother’s house on the 24th? Well, that can change! Just be open to new traditions and you might find that your Ex is as well.
2. Kids’ Voices Matter
Depending on their age, your kids might have their own holiday preferences. If you have a 16-year-old who wants to spend time with her boyfriend, you’ll find that she won’t be much fun to be around during the holidays if you take her away! Listen to them. Feeling heard can help them navigate the holiday season more comfortably.
By the same token, don’t ask your 5-year-old if they want to spend New Year’s Eve with mom or dad. That’s not fair to them, the answer will be they want to spend time with both of you! Be aware of your kids age and maturity level and don’t put them in the middle of the adults fight.
3. Communication is Crucial
Clear, ongoing communication can’t be overstated. This means talking things through and actually listening to each other. Compromise is often the name of the game.
This might mean using OFW (Our Family Wizard) or texting or emailing, but be clear and don’t assume anything!
4. Legal Stuff Matters
Sometimes, you might need to revisit your custody agreement for holiday-specific issues. Know your rights and responsibilities, and if things get tough, don’t hesitate to seek legal advice.
What I often say is that you agree on anything you’d like, but you need to agree on it! If you can’t agree then you fall back to the custody/parenting time order and that may or may not be what you would prefer, but you need to make sure you read the order!
5. Expect the Unexpected
Holidays can be full of surprises. Be ready to adapt. Keeping the kids’ best interests at heart is key. If your ex won a trip to Disney World and it is over your holiday, if you say no are you hurting yourself or your kids?
It’s hard to let your Ex feel like the good guy or gal, but keep the kids in mind and it will help guide your decisions.
6. Reduce the Fighting
In the thick of holiday scheduling, gift-buying, school concerts, and general end-of-year chaos, it’s easy to lose your cool. But if you take just one piece of advice from me, let it be this: dial down the conflict.
Yes, you’re stressed. Yes, your co-parent is likely stressed too. But your kids? They’re just trying to have a magical holiday. And the quickest way to ruin that for them is by turning every handoff into a battle or every minor disagreement into World War III. Even if you’re convinced the other parent is being difficult or unreasonable, resist the urge to engage in open conflict—especially in front of the kids.
Children absorb more than we give them credit for. When they hear biting sarcasm, passive-aggressive jabs, or overt insults about their other parent, it doesn’t just go in one ear and out the other. It sits with them. It shapes how they view both parents, how they view relationships, and how they process conflict. And worst of all? It makes them feel like they’re stuck in the middle of something they never asked to be part of.
So how do you reduce the fighting? A few strategies:
- Text instead of talk if a conversation is getting too heated. It gives you time to cool off and craft a response rather than react emotionally.
- Use a parenting communication app like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents. These create a buffer and also a record, which tends to make people more civil.
- Keep interactions short and focused. This isn’t the time to rehash last summer’s argument over spring break plans.
- Pretend your kid is watching—because they probably are. Even if they’re not in the room, they might be around the corner, listening. Act accordingly.
Think of it like this: every moment you don’t fight in front of your child is a deposit into their emotional safety bank. And those deposits matter more than you may ever realize.
7. Lean on Your Support Network
The holidays can be a lonely time, especially if you’re spending them without your children for the first time, or even the tenth. That’s where your support system comes in.
Your support network isn’t just there for casseroles during a rough patch. They’re your lifeline. They’re the friends who text you the day before the exchange to ask how you’re doing. They’re the sister who insists you come over Christmas Eve even if you’re “not in the mood.” They’re the fellow single parent at your kid’s school who gets it in a way no one else does.
Don’t wait for a crisis to reach out. Build and lean on that network now:
- Call a friend just to vent. Not every conversation needs a solution; sometimes it’s enough to be heard.
- Say yes to the invite you normally decline. That ugly sweater party might be exactly what you need to reset your mood.
- Join a support group, even if it’s just online. Hearing how others manage the same stress can be surprisingly comforting.
- Make new holiday traditions with friends or extended family. You don’t have to wait until the kids are home to celebrate.
No one is meant to go through this alone. Especially not during a season built around connection. Let your people show up for you.
8. Embrace the Holiday Spirit
This is the part where I remind you that holidays aren’t about split calendars, custody exchanges, or trying to out-gift the other parent. They’re about something much older and deeper than that: a shared sense of joy, kindness, and, dare I say it, peace on Earth.
That means stepping back from the petty. Choosing your battles. Looking for moments of joy even if they’re fleeting.
So what does it look like to embrace the holiday spirit when your parenting plan feels more like a battle plan?
- Be generous—with your time, your patience, and your empathy. That might mean letting your ex have the kids an extra hour to visit Grandma, even if it’s not “your time.”
- Model kindness. Your kids are watching how you handle the season, and they’ll remember your grace under pressure far longer than the presents they unwrap.
- Let go of perfection. The holiday doesn’t have to be Instagram-worthy to be meaningful. Maybe it’s you and your kid eating frozen pizza on December 27th under mismatched string lights. That’s still a memory they’ll carry with them.
- Celebrate what you do have. Even if it’s not the schedule you wanted, even if it hurts more than you want to admit—find a moment to be grateful. Gratitude isn’t denial. It’s resilience.
At its heart, the holiday season is about hope. So whether you’re lighting a menorah, decorating a tree, or just trying to get through it all one cup of cocoa at a time, let hope be your guide. It costs nothing, but it changes everything.
Wrapping It Up
Navigating holiday custody isn’t always easy, but with clear communication, a bit of flexibility, and a focus on what’s best for the kids, it can be managed. Remember, the holidays are about creating happy memories, and with a little effort, you can make sure that’s exactly what happens.